.

Okay well until this point in my life, the only person close to me that died was my aunt, and at 8 years old I didn't really understand much what was going on. In 3 months now, I lost my grandpa and my cousin. To be completely honest, I AM COMPLETELY LOSING IT. I don't even know what to do. I feel totally traumatized by the fact that I saw my cousin yesterday. It's really disappointing that the last time I got to see him was in his bed surrounded by drugs. And then to top it off, the last time I can remember him alive, was completely WRECKED at my Grandpa's funeral. I knew this day would eventually come but quite honestly I did not expect it to be anytime soon. My cousin had like 9 lives and ironically seemed to have more luck than anyone. But this is what HE chose. He did not want help, he did not want to stop taking drugs, he thought he could just live this way forever and this was the price he payed I suppose. I really regret not speaking to him in the last 3 months though. Not that I could have prevented this in any way, but as much resent I had towards him for turning out this way and not being there for me, he was still my cousin and I still loved him, and I didn't get to really tell him that. He was my childhood IDOL and I fucking adored him more than anyone in my life as a kid.I guess if there is anything I can thank him for, it'd be making me as against drugs as I am today. I can't stand to see my aunt the way she is. I've hardly left my room in the last 16 hours to avoid it. I was up all night. She is in hysterics and is talking to herself about weird random things. I think she has lost her mind and I can't see how she is going to live through this. I don't really have much else to say being that I'm in such a state of depression I can't even think straight. I think Brianna is coming over soon, but I don't know. I'm still going to go to work at 4.